LOL :)

No offense to any of my friends or relatives in these states! :)


Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America, Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS.

And for your further edification....

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN."

2. She is not a "SCREAMER" or a "MOANER"
- She is "VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE."

3. She is not "EASY"
- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE."

4. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY."

5. She has not "BEEN AROUND"
- She is a "PREVIOUSLY-ENJOYED COMPANION."

6. She is not an "AIRHEAD"
- She is "REALITY IMPAIRED."

7. She does not get "DRUNK" or "TIPSY"
- She gets "CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED"

8. She does not have "BREAST IMPLANTS"
- She is "MEDICALLY ENHANCED."

9. She does not "NAG" you
- She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE."

10. She is not a "TRAMP"
- She is "SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED."

11. She does not have "MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS"
- She is "PECTORALLY SUPERIOR."

12. She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
- She is a "LOW COST PROVIDER."

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:

1. He does not have a "BEER GUT"
- He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY."

2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is "OVERLY CAUCASIAN."

3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS."

4. He is not "BALDING"
- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION."

5. He is not a "CRADLE ROBBER"
- He prefers "GENERATIONAL DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS."

6. He does not get "FALLING-DOWN DRUNK"
- He becomes "ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL."

7. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
- He develops a case of "RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION."

8 He is not a "MALE CHAUVINIST PIG"
- He has "SWINE EMPATHY."

9. He is not afraid of "COMMITMENT"
- He is "RELATIONSHIP CHALLENGED."

10. He is not "HORNY"
- He is "SEXUALLY FOCUSED."

11. It's not his "CRACK" you see hanging out of his pants
- It's "REAR CLEAVAGE "

Please use your best judgment when referring to these people, so as to make it more comfortable for the rest of us.

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only high school diploma to fix one. After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews, albeit they may lack a formal higher education, has ever lacked a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers. By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement. S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough. S: Probably because auto-land is not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit S: Something tightened in cockpit
P: Dead bugs on windshield. S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode has a 200 ft. per min. descent. S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear. S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud. S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode. S: IFF IS inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield. S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing. S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft acting funny S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
P: Target radar hums. S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit. S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like midget pounding on something with a hammer. S: Took hammer away from midget.

One day a florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was
pleased and left the shop.

When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.' The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he
tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money
from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The professor is very
happy and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a 'thank you'
card and a dozen different books, such as 'How to Improve Your
Business' and 'Becoming More Successful'.

Then, a Congressman comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay
his bill the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you.
I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman is very happy
and leaves the shop.

The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

Do you know the legend of the Cherokee Indian youth's rite of passage?

His father takes him into the forest, blindfolds him and leaves him alone. He is required to sit on a stump the whole night and not remove the blindfold until the rays of the morning sun shine through it. He cannot cry out for help to anyone. Once he survives the night, he is a MAN. He cannot tell the other boys of this experience because each lad must come into manhood on his own. The boy is naturally terrified. He can hear all kinds of noises. Wild beasts must surely be all around him. Maybe even some human might do him harm. The wind blew the grass and earth, and shook his stump, but he sat stoically, never removing the blindfold. It would be the only way he could become a man! Finally, after a horrific night, the sun appeared and he removed his blindfold. It was then that he discovered his father sitting on the stump next to him. He had been at watch the entire night, protecting his son from harm. We, too, are never alone. Even when we don't know it, our Heavenly Father is watching over us, sitting on the stump beside us. When trouble comes, all we have to do is reach out to Him.

If you liked this story, pass it on. If not, perhaps you took off your blindfold before dawn.

Moral of the story: Just because you can't see God, doesn't mean He isn't there.